All right. Which one of you got to him?

There have been several times in the past when I have pointedly asked my husband to be more of a leader to our family.  (This MAY have reached the level of nagging *sigh*)  Sometimes he would refuse and sometimes he would agree to try.  A change has happened recently when I have pointed out to him some other families where the husband is not the leader and he could see how those families could benefit from some direction.  The last time we talked about his being the leader he was a very gracious listener and took part in the conversation to a large degree.  What really surprised me was when I was trying to explain to him how his being the leader would take a great burden from me and he stated that he understood my point.  This last discussion probably occurred over a month ago and I have seen some small positive changes since then.  I have graciously NOT pointed out how he could do even better by.......              *pats self on the back*

We had a family trip planned this weekend and here is the way these usually pan out:

• There is no stated time to leave, but both of us end up angry when we feel that we haven't left on time, each blaming the other.
• When it is time to eat he asks, "Are we going to eat?" then "Where are we going to eat?" at which point each of the kids has their fast food preference that they voice loudly.  I either say, "I don't care," at which point we eat fast food or I list several options and he seizes upon the last option I mentioned as if it were the law of the land.
• We attend whatever event is planned and then we all stand around waiting for someone to decide that it is time to go.  When my husband finally gets tired of waiting for me to declare that it is time to go, he says something like:  "Well, aren't we ever going to leave?"

I'm afraid that the previous parts of this post make my husband sound like a bit of an ogre.  Sometimes, I too have felt like he was an ogre.  I have to remember that I have had my part in creating this and this blog is really a chronicle of the journey.

Anyhoo - my husband has either been reading this blog or one of you emailed him personally with specific instructions.  I can explain the actions of the past weekend in no other way.  Here's how it went down:

• He announced to the children and me exactly what time he wanted us to be leaving the house.  We were all ready to go at the proper time and got a good start. 
• When he came home from work he instructed me, yes I said INSTRUCTED ME to hang up his clothes for him.  No apology, no whining, begging voice.  Instructed.  Why does that thrill me so?
• He took care of all my luggage, loading and unloading it in the car. (I didn't ask for this.)
• He asked me to find reviews of local restaurants at our destination, then he chose one.  (Joy!)
• He told me that he would be going for a run the next morning and asked if I would like to come.  On the run, he chose the whole route, merely giving hand signals for the next turn etc.
• At the event, he was gracious and social.  He even took a large part in clean-up afterward.
• He told me that he planned to leave in around 15 minutes, giving me time to make my good-byes and get out the door.

 Surely, this must seem like a silly list to most of you.  (Most of you, as if my audience were a crowd!)  But it is NOT silly to me.  These little actions that he took really made the whole weekend run so smoothly.  Even the kids seemed to sense it and there was peace in the land .....  er van.

Did he get a testosterone injection?  Has he been reading my blog?

The truth is that I was close to dispair one month ago feeling that he would never be one to take the lead, prompting me to start this blog.  I felt that this would surely be a looooong journey and blogging would help me to chronicle that.  I wonder - now that he has made this turn, will there be anything to blog about?

Whatever the reason, I am a grateful wife.

I should define some terms

I looked back at the post where I discuss how we met and it confused me.  It seemed that the underlying premise of that post was that I want my husband to be Alpha and NOT Beta.  Then I describe his very sweet ways of taking care of me as being Beta.  Poor guy, he can't win with me.

How about, for the purposes of this blog we use Alpha and Beta the same way that Athol uses them.  It is not that Alpha = good and Beta = bad, it is just that some guys don't have ENOUGH Alpha or ENOUGH Beta.  I think it would be great if my husband had both Alpha and Beta.  

So, what about the bad stuff, the lack of leadership, the fearing your wife?  What should we call that?  We shall call that ..... are you ready for this stroke of literary mastery?

We shall call that the UN-Alpha.

You're welcome.

Geez Vox, now I can stop blogging

Sometimes when there are so many ideas swirling in your head and you are trying to categorize them all in a nice, rational way, someone else comes along and just does a much better job of it than you ever could.   If you are wondering to what all this "alpha" and "game" terminology refers, here it is all in one nice little package with analysis and action points.  (sigh) 

I'm not worthy!

How we met.

I met my husband at a time when I had dropped out of college two classes shy of achieving my degree.  I had floundered in trying to decide a major all the way through college because I KNEW that my goal in life was to be a mother and I weighed each decision regarding my major as to whether it would help me to reach that goal or not.   At one point I considered becoming a doctor and was well on my way, but when I considered the debt that would be hanging over my head when I finished that degree, and knowing that said debt would effectively keep me from being a Mommy, I switched to a teaching degree, thinking that this would be a degree that would allow me to be a Mom without too much debt.

During my junior year, I got a nice job for a doctor and was able to work and continue school at the same time.  This job was so good that I no longer considered teaching to be something that I would need to "fall back on" at any point in the future, knowing that I was gaining skills as a medical technician that would allow me to find work easily at any time.  As a result, I quit school after my junior year and just enjoyed working full-time. 

My husband, on the other hand, had just finished his degree and had moved to our town to look for work. We met at church and became fast friends. I did NOT consider him husband material.  He had mystery about him - a little TOO much mystery.  It seemed to me that he used this mystery to get attention, a tactic that I considered juvenile.   For example:  He claimed to have headaches that caused him to black out and "lose time".  He seemed to revel in the novelty of this malady and mention it with drama at each opportunity.  He would hint darkly at a checkered past.

Upon reflection, I can see that I was involved in my own kind of manipulation, attention-seeking behavior at this time as well, though specific instances escape me (sarcasm font required).

He had an extremely quirky sense of humor, which appealed to me and he seemed to genuinely NOT CARE what others thought of him. [tingles!]  He also thought it was a shame that I had dropped out of school so close to finishing and encouraged me to finish, going so far as to drive me to my classes an hour away if they were at night.

In my memories he stands out as being quite Alpha when we met due to the not caring about what others thought.  However, the exercise of writing this down causes me to reflect that there was quite a bit of Beta there as well:  the driving me to class and waiting for me, the attention-seeking. 

Was he more Alpha or Beta at that time? 

It begins...

When there is everything to say, where do you start?

I guess I'll start with the premise of this blog.  I have been married for 17 years and much of that time I have "worn the pants" in many ways.  There has always been the outward appearance of my husband being the leader of our family but in reality, he was deferring to me in almost everything.  There are many reasons for this and I'll try to work through those in successive posts in the coming weeks.

I happened upon the concept of an Alpha male, Game etc. through my interest in economics blogs of all things.  I guess my initial contact with these ideas probably came from the blog Vox Day, which later led me to Athol's blog and Alpha Game.  I was quick to recognize myself in the women that these blogs describe - and not in a good way.  I also recognize that I want my husband to be "Alpha" and lead our family. 

The problem is that I have spent 17 years punishing my husband for any Alpha action at all.  I can say that I have not been doing this consciously, but I HAVE been doing it.  As a result, it seems to me that he now fears me. 

There is so much 'splaining to do behind each of the above statements but I am hopeful that I will get the chance to do that and work these things out in my own mind on this blog.