In the days Before Alpha, when my hormones and emotions roamed freely across the land, my husband was quite the passive-aggressive guy. I have noticed that this tendency of his has seemed to trend more toward the aggressive-aggressive lately and I'm surprised to find myself pleased at this.
A situation this week has illustrated this perfectly. I am the most thrifty person I know. My husband is not. We have taken two rawwwther expensive vacations this summer and have built a rawwwwther nice deck as well. We had been saving and could afford to pay cash for all of these. I still hyperventilate just a little when I look at our bank balance, wondering if there is enough left for emergencies etc. This has been bothering me a little and brewing under the surface but I try to resist as I realize that I am more thrifty than 99.5% of the earth's population and nagging wives aren't considered sexy for some reason.
Over dinner last night, my husband announces to the family that later this month would be a great time for a weekend getaway and he would take suggestions for destinations. I admit, this is pretty alpha behavior ~ taking the initiative, making things happen. Immediately my budget sensor sounded the alarm, however. I managed to smother this annoying alarm through cleaning up the kitchen with the family, our weekly family devotional and getting ready for bed. {okay - that's probably not true. I just asked one of the kids if I seemed to be in a good mood or a bad mood last night. The immediate answer: "a BAD mood".} I did escape from the family and take a long, soaking bath to try to keep my little black emotion cloud out of everyone's path.
This morning, my husband was looking at a map and figuring up our possible destinations. I asked, "So, what is your budget for this trip?"
"I don't have one."
"Do you know how much money we have in the bank?"
"No."
"Do you remember that we have taken two rawwwther expensive vacations and have built a rawwwwther nice deck this summer?"
"Yes."
[She launches!]
"WELL!! I don't enjoy being the only person who keeps track of money around here and frankly I think it is ultimately your respons..."
"You need to hush now.".. and he walked out of the room.
[launch interrupted]
Now, in the past we would have argued back and forth, each accusing the other of being irresponsible or uptight. The argument would have likely ended in his saying something stellar and passive-aggressive like, "Well, why don't you get mad about it?" or "You are always so gripey before your period." before he had to walk out the door for work. OH! That is infuriating and it just seems cowardly to me.
Later he came back to give me a good-bye hug and casually mentioned as he was going out the door that he would take over our finances at the first of the year. I am thrilled!!! I hate worrying about the finances and it would be great if he takes over that job.
In the past he would have never been brave enough to tell me to hush. I admire him for facing the problem head-on and dealing with it. My launching into a tirade was not helping the situation and through intrepid detective skills, I'm pretty sure he had already ferreted out what the problem was without my piling on. Ya think? This would have been a much worse day if he had used his usual passive-aggresive tactics in this argument. As it sits now, though, I am not sitting here stewing through my day thinking about how irresponsible he is. Instead, I am grateful that his shoulders are big enough and strong enough to handle me AND our finances.
Friday, October 7, 2011
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Thoughts on feminism
In my early 20's I would have been considered a feminist. I had never come in contact with any feminist organization or remember being exposed to any feminist ideas in school. In fact, if you had asked me if I was a feminist at that time, I would not have been familiar enough with the term to have given you an answer. I came by my feminism through a thought process of my own.
The seeds of my feminism begin with my father (whose doesn't?). I think that he tried to cultivate an air of iconoclasm and would have been proud to be considered an iconoclast. It seemed to me that he wanted people to think that he gave no consideration to how he was perceived in the world. One example of this that stands out in my mind: I was probably 12 or 14 at the time. We were standing around with our extended family in the yard saying our good-byes as we parted from each other after a small family reunion. My dad needed to pass gas, so ... he did.....with a straight face the whole time.....loudly.... long.... and repeatedly. I died about 10 deaths in that 30 minute span of time.
My dad also had a thing about power. He was horrible to my mother. (He was also horrible to us kids but that is tangential to this discussion.) I remember his whipping my mother with a belt when she displeased him. There would be terrible fights at times when he thought that she had worn too much make-up and at times when he thought that she had not worn enough make-up. He dictated everything about everything. You could never know what would set him off next. He found dust on something? Explosion! You served a visitor coffee in the wrong cup? Explosion! These were not instances of defiance, but simply times when he was enraged by some decision, action or lack of action that we had taken. I spent my childhood walking on egg shells, never knowing what was going to set him off next. When I was younger, of course I didn't question the way things were. I thought that this is how strong fathers acted and I blamed myself when I had displeased him. When I got older, I noticed that he would often order my mother to do something simply because his doing it for himself made him scared or uncomfortable and this gave me a little peek behind the curtain. I realized that he was not strong. He was weak! From then on, I despised him and couldn't wait to get away from him.
My thoughts followed this progression: My dad used his power to make our lives miserable -> I will never give another man that kind of power. To my credit, I think, I followed this thinking to it's logical conclusion. I realized that living in a world where I had as much power as a man meant living in a world where I had as much responsibility as a man, so I tried to proceed accordingly. I sought a degree that would support me financially. I learned to repair my own cars etc. {I'm still the only female I know who has replaced a clutch master cylinder, replaced brake pads or bled her own brakes -admittedly not the pinaccle of auto mechanics.} Making your way through college while never asking a man for help in the Southwestern U.S. is quite a feat and a strange sight to most.
It is still difficult for me to partition out in my mind whether male power is a good thing or a bad thing. I can see that my husband being the leader of our family is a really good thing. But he's a good guy. Men having power but using it poorly is a REALLY BAD THING, so I have trouble when other bloggers blame many of society's ills on a lack of male leadership. I would agree that many of society's ills can be blamed on a lack of GOOD male leadership. Extreme instances such as bride burnings etc. would certainly fall on the Male Power is Bad side of the ledger.
I would welcome anyone helping me sort this out logically.
The seeds of my feminism begin with my father (whose doesn't?). I think that he tried to cultivate an air of iconoclasm and would have been proud to be considered an iconoclast. It seemed to me that he wanted people to think that he gave no consideration to how he was perceived in the world. One example of this that stands out in my mind: I was probably 12 or 14 at the time. We were standing around with our extended family in the yard saying our good-byes as we parted from each other after a small family reunion. My dad needed to pass gas, so ... he did.....with a straight face the whole time.....loudly.... long.... and repeatedly. I died about 10 deaths in that 30 minute span of time.
My dad also had a thing about power. He was horrible to my mother. (He was also horrible to us kids but that is tangential to this discussion.) I remember his whipping my mother with a belt when she displeased him. There would be terrible fights at times when he thought that she had worn too much make-up and at times when he thought that she had not worn enough make-up. He dictated everything about everything. You could never know what would set him off next. He found dust on something? Explosion! You served a visitor coffee in the wrong cup? Explosion! These were not instances of defiance, but simply times when he was enraged by some decision, action or lack of action that we had taken. I spent my childhood walking on egg shells, never knowing what was going to set him off next. When I was younger, of course I didn't question the way things were. I thought that this is how strong fathers acted and I blamed myself when I had displeased him. When I got older, I noticed that he would often order my mother to do something simply because his doing it for himself made him scared or uncomfortable and this gave me a little peek behind the curtain. I realized that he was not strong. He was weak! From then on, I despised him and couldn't wait to get away from him.
My thoughts followed this progression: My dad used his power to make our lives miserable -> I will never give another man that kind of power. To my credit, I think, I followed this thinking to it's logical conclusion. I realized that living in a world where I had as much power as a man meant living in a world where I had as much responsibility as a man, so I tried to proceed accordingly. I sought a degree that would support me financially. I learned to repair my own cars etc. {I'm still the only female I know who has replaced a clutch master cylinder, replaced brake pads or bled her own brakes -admittedly not the pinaccle of auto mechanics.} Making your way through college while never asking a man for help in the Southwestern U.S. is quite a feat and a strange sight to most.
It is still difficult for me to partition out in my mind whether male power is a good thing or a bad thing. I can see that my husband being the leader of our family is a really good thing. But he's a good guy. Men having power but using it poorly is a REALLY BAD THING, so I have trouble when other bloggers blame many of society's ills on a lack of male leadership. I would agree that many of society's ills can be blamed on a lack of GOOD male leadership. Extreme instances such as bride burnings etc. would certainly fall on the Male Power is Bad side of the ledger.
I would welcome anyone helping me sort this out logically.
Saturday, July 2, 2011
The Irony!
I was MAD!, but now I'm just laughing.
For the purposes of this post, my inner thoughts will be posted in this script. I think it will work better that way.
We have an event coming up with our church, so the family discussion was: To go or not to go? Here's how it went:
________________________________
My husband has been gone all week with our oldest son on a camping trip. It was a long week and I am so glad to have them back home. Everyone slept in this morning and I cooked a large, late breakfast. As we were eating I broached the subject again.
Me: Did we decide if we were going to the event?
Him: You said we weren't going.
Me; [angry now] Please never say that "You said we weren't going" as if I have laid down the law. That was my VOTE, nothing more.
He ALWAYS does this!! I wish he'd go back to the woods for some more camping!
Him: Okay, let's take a family vote. Who wants to go to the event?
Wow, way to avoid any leadership at all. Coward.
As it turns out, two of the kids want to go to the event and one doesn't. One of the kids who wants to go is of driving age.
Him: Okay, those who want to go, can go [with the driving kid] and those who don't want to go, can stay home.
Well, at least that was a shade of leadership.
______________
After breakfast, he decides to clean out his hiking backpack. He has some leftover snacks that he doesn't know what to do with. He brings them to me with this comment: "Here's some nuts for you."
Really, what would YOU have said?
For the purposes of this post, my inner thoughts will be posted in this script. I think it will work better that way.
We have an event coming up with our church, so the family discussion was: To go or not to go? Here's how it went:
________________________________
Me: Are we planning to to go the event? If we're going I'll need to plan what food I need to prepare and take.
Him: What do you want to do?
Me: I hesitate to tell you because I think that any time I give my opinion, it is taken as the law and I hate that.
Him: No, I'm just asking your opinion.
Me: Okay then, I'd rather not go.
____________________________________
My husband has been gone all week with our oldest son on a camping trip. It was a long week and I am so glad to have them back home. Everyone slept in this morning and I cooked a large, late breakfast. As we were eating I broached the subject again.
Me: Did we decide if we were going to the event?
Him: You said we weren't going.
Me; [angry now] Please never say that "You said we weren't going" as if I have laid down the law. That was my VOTE, nothing more.
He ALWAYS does this!! I wish he'd go back to the woods for some more camping!
Him: Okay, let's take a family vote. Who wants to go to the event?
Wow, way to avoid any leadership at all. Coward.
As it turns out, two of the kids want to go to the event and one doesn't. One of the kids who wants to go is of driving age.
Him: Okay, those who want to go, can go [with the driving kid] and those who don't want to go, can stay home.
Well, at least that was a shade of leadership.
______________
After breakfast, he decides to clean out his hiking backpack. He has some leftover snacks that he doesn't know what to do with. He brings them to me with this comment: "Here's some nuts for you."
Really, what would YOU have said?
Sunday, June 19, 2011
How to not be a Witch
We had another family trip this weekend for an out-of-town wedding.
I have been struggling with how to deal with lame Beta behavior.
"How much money should I get at the ATM?"
"When should we leave?"
"Should we go down and look at the lake?"
"What should we do today?"
These questions annoy me. I feel that the person whose job it is to lead and protect me should be able to make these decisions on his own. I think I would be much more happy following his agenda than setting the agenda. Ultimately, these questions have no "correct" answer and I resent being asked to set the agenda.
So, how should I respond? For the last month or so, I have responded with a blank look. Sometimes I point out that I think he should be making these calls on his own. He protests that he is just asking my opinion, but if I give my opinion in any way, the result is the same as if I had lain (laid?) down the law or demanded my way.
I worry that this refusing to give an opinion in any way is simply another way of being a hateful Witch. (Sorry, I can't type that other, more offensive, word. It would make my typing fingers dirty. I have yet to grasp the art of cursing in print or by mouth.)
How would you handle this situation? Am I just being hateful and difficult? In acting this way, am I not attempting to lead my husband? Yuck. If that is the case, we are right back where we started.
If you are a wife, how would you handle this? If you are a husband, how would you suggest a wife handle these situations?
Thanks in advance for your opinion. Be honest. Truth is always the best.
I have been struggling with how to deal with lame Beta behavior.
"How much money should I get at the ATM?"
"When should we leave?"
"Should we go down and look at the lake?"
"What should we do today?"
These questions annoy me. I feel that the person whose job it is to lead and protect me should be able to make these decisions on his own. I think I would be much more happy following his agenda than setting the agenda. Ultimately, these questions have no "correct" answer and I resent being asked to set the agenda.
So, how should I respond? For the last month or so, I have responded with a blank look. Sometimes I point out that I think he should be making these calls on his own. He protests that he is just asking my opinion, but if I give my opinion in any way, the result is the same as if I had lain (laid?) down the law or demanded my way.
I worry that this refusing to give an opinion in any way is simply another way of being a hateful Witch. (Sorry, I can't type that other, more offensive, word. It would make my typing fingers dirty. I have yet to grasp the art of cursing in print or by mouth.)
How would you handle this situation? Am I just being hateful and difficult? In acting this way, am I not attempting to lead my husband? Yuck. If that is the case, we are right back where we started.
If you are a wife, how would you handle this? If you are a husband, how would you suggest a wife handle these situations?
Thanks in advance for your opinion. Be honest. Truth is always the best.
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Having trouble deciding which way to jump
I don't want this blog to turn into a list of complaints about my husband's actions so I am having difficulty deciding in which direction to go now. How do I talk about my struggles with his lack of Alpha behavior without continually whining about him on this blog?
THAT would not be good.
THAT would not be good.
Sunday, May 22, 2011
All right. Which one of you got to him?
There have been several times in the past when I have pointedly asked my husband to be more of a leader to our family. (This MAY have reached the level of nagging *sigh*) Sometimes he would refuse and sometimes he would agree to try. A change has happened recently when I have pointed out to him some other families where the husband is not the leader and he could see how those families could benefit from some direction. The last time we talked about his being the leader he was a very gracious listener and took part in the conversation to a large degree. What really surprised me was when I was trying to explain to him how his being the leader would take a great burden from me and he stated that he understood my point. This last discussion probably occurred over a month ago and I have seen some small positive changes since then. I have graciously NOT pointed out how he could do even better by....... *pats self on the back*
We had a family trip planned this weekend and here is the way these usually pan out:
Anyhoo - my husband has either been reading this blog or one of you emailed him personally with specific instructions. I can explain the actions of the past weekend in no other way. Here's how it went down:
Did he get a testosterone injection? Has he been reading my blog?
The truth is that I was close to dispair one month ago feeling that he would never be one to take the lead, prompting me to start this blog. I felt that this would surely be a looooong journey and blogging would help me to chronicle that. I wonder - now that he has made this turn, will there be anything to blog about?
Whatever the reason, I am a grateful wife.
We had a family trip planned this weekend and here is the way these usually pan out:
- There is no stated time to leave, but both of us end up angry when we feel that we haven't left on time, each blaming the other.
- When it is time to eat he asks, "Are we going to eat?" then "Where are we going to eat?" at which point each of the kids has their fast food preference that they voice loudly. I either say, "I don't care," at which point we eat fast food or I list several options and he seizes upon the last option I mentioned as if it were the law of the land.
- We attend whatever event is planned and then we all stand around waiting for someone to decide that it is time to go. When my husband finally gets tired of waiting for me to declare that it is time to go, he says something like: "Well, aren't we ever going to leave?"
Anyhoo - my husband has either been reading this blog or one of you emailed him personally with specific instructions. I can explain the actions of the past weekend in no other way. Here's how it went down:
- He announced to the children and me exactly what time he wanted us to be leaving the house. We were all ready to go at the proper time and got a good start.
- When he came home from work he instructed me, yes I said INSTRUCTED ME to hang up his clothes for him. No apology, no whining, begging voice. Instructed. Why does that thrill me so?
- He took care of all my luggage, loading and unloading it in the car. (I didn't ask for this.)
- He asked me to find reviews of local restaurants at our destination, then he chose one. (Joy!)
- He told me that he would be going for a run the next morning and asked if I would like to come. On the run, he chose the whole route, merely giving hand signals for the next turn etc.
- At the event, he was gracious and social. He even took a large part in clean-up afterward.
- He told me that he planned to leave in around 15 minutes, giving me time to make my good-byes and get out the door.
Did he get a testosterone injection? Has he been reading my blog?
The truth is that I was close to dispair one month ago feeling that he would never be one to take the lead, prompting me to start this blog. I felt that this would surely be a looooong journey and blogging would help me to chronicle that. I wonder - now that he has made this turn, will there be anything to blog about?
Whatever the reason, I am a grateful wife.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
I should define some terms
I looked back at the post where I discuss how we met and it confused me. It seemed that the underlying premise of that post was that I want my husband to be Alpha and NOT Beta. Then I describe his very sweet ways of taking care of me as being Beta. Poor guy, he can't win with me.
How about, for the purposes of this blog we use Alpha and Beta the same way that Athol uses them. It is not that Alpha = good and Beta = bad, it is just that some guys don't have ENOUGH Alpha or ENOUGH Beta. I think it would be great if my husband had both Alpha and Beta.
So, what about the bad stuff, the lack of leadership, the fearing your wife? What should we call that? We shall call that ..... are you ready for this stroke of literary mastery?
We shall call that the UN-Alpha.
You're welcome.
How about, for the purposes of this blog we use Alpha and Beta the same way that Athol uses them. It is not that Alpha = good and Beta = bad, it is just that some guys don't have ENOUGH Alpha or ENOUGH Beta. I think it would be great if my husband had both Alpha and Beta.
So, what about the bad stuff, the lack of leadership, the fearing your wife? What should we call that? We shall call that ..... are you ready for this stroke of literary mastery?
We shall call that the UN-Alpha.
You're welcome.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Geez Vox, now I can stop blogging
Sometimes when there are so many ideas swirling in your head and you are trying to categorize them all in a nice, rational way, someone else comes along and just does a much better job of it than you ever could. If you are wondering to what all this "alpha" and "game" terminology refers, here it is all in one nice little package with analysis and action points. (sigh)
I'm not worthy!
I'm not worthy!
Monday, May 16, 2011
How we met.
I met my husband at a time when I had dropped out of college two classes shy of achieving my degree. I had floundered in trying to decide a major all the way through college because I KNEW that my goal in life was to be a mother and I weighed each decision regarding my major as to whether it would help me to reach that goal or not. At one point I considered becoming a doctor and was well on my way, but when I considered the debt that would be hanging over my head when I finished that degree, and knowing that said debt would effectively keep me from being a Mommy, I switched to a teaching degree, thinking that this would be a degree that would allow me to be a Mom without too much debt.
During my junior year, I got a nice job for a doctor and was able to work and continue school at the same time. This job was so good that I no longer considered teaching to be something that I would need to "fall back on" at any point in the future, knowing that I was gaining skills as a medical technician that would allow me to find work easily at any time. As a result, I quit school after my junior year and just enjoyed working full-time.
My husband, on the other hand, had just finished his degree and had moved to our town to look for work. We met at church and became fast friends. I did NOT consider him husband material. He had mystery about him - a little TOO much mystery. It seemed to me that he used this mystery to get attention, a tactic that I considered juvenile. For example: He claimed to have headaches that caused him to black out and "lose time". He seemed to revel in the novelty of this malady and mention it with drama at each opportunity. He would hint darkly at a checkered past.
Upon reflection, I can see that I was involved in my own kind of manipulation, attention-seeking behavior at this time as well, though specific instances escape me (sarcasm font required).
He had an extremely quirky sense of humor, which appealed to me and he seemed to genuinely NOT CARE what others thought of him. [tingles!] He also thought it was a shame that I had dropped out of school so close to finishing and encouraged me to finish, going so far as to drive me to my classes an hour away if they were at night.
In my memories he stands out as being quite Alpha when we met due to the not caring about what others thought. However, the exercise of writing this down causes me to reflect that there was quite a bit of Beta there as well: the driving me to class and waiting for me, the attention-seeking.
Was he more Alpha or Beta at that time?
During my junior year, I got a nice job for a doctor and was able to work and continue school at the same time. This job was so good that I no longer considered teaching to be something that I would need to "fall back on" at any point in the future, knowing that I was gaining skills as a medical technician that would allow me to find work easily at any time. As a result, I quit school after my junior year and just enjoyed working full-time.
My husband, on the other hand, had just finished his degree and had moved to our town to look for work. We met at church and became fast friends. I did NOT consider him husband material. He had mystery about him - a little TOO much mystery. It seemed to me that he used this mystery to get attention, a tactic that I considered juvenile. For example: He claimed to have headaches that caused him to black out and "lose time". He seemed to revel in the novelty of this malady and mention it with drama at each opportunity. He would hint darkly at a checkered past.
Upon reflection, I can see that I was involved in my own kind of manipulation, attention-seeking behavior at this time as well, though specific instances escape me (sarcasm font required).
He had an extremely quirky sense of humor, which appealed to me and he seemed to genuinely NOT CARE what others thought of him. [tingles!] He also thought it was a shame that I had dropped out of school so close to finishing and encouraged me to finish, going so far as to drive me to my classes an hour away if they were at night.
In my memories he stands out as being quite Alpha when we met due to the not caring about what others thought. However, the exercise of writing this down causes me to reflect that there was quite a bit of Beta there as well: the driving me to class and waiting for me, the attention-seeking.
Was he more Alpha or Beta at that time?
Saturday, May 14, 2011
It begins...
When there is everything to say, where do you start?
I guess I'll start with the premise of this blog. I have been married for 17 years and much of that time I have "worn the pants" in many ways. There has always been the outward appearance of my husband being the leader of our family but in reality, he was deferring to me in almost everything. There are many reasons for this and I'll try to work through those in successive posts in the coming weeks.
I happened upon the concept of an Alpha male, Game etc. through my interest in economics blogs of all things. I guess my initial contact with these ideas probably came from the blog Vox Day, which later led me to Athol's blog and Alpha Game. I was quick to recognize myself in the women that these blogs describe - and not in a good way. I also recognize that I want my husband to be "Alpha" and lead our family.
The problem is that I have spent 17 years punishing my husband for any Alpha action at all. I can say that I have not been doing this consciously, but I HAVE been doing it. As a result, it seems to me that he now fears me.
There is so much 'splaining to do behind each of the above statements but I am hopeful that I will get the chance to do that and work these things out in my own mind on this blog.
I guess I'll start with the premise of this blog. I have been married for 17 years and much of that time I have "worn the pants" in many ways. There has always been the outward appearance of my husband being the leader of our family but in reality, he was deferring to me in almost everything. There are many reasons for this and I'll try to work through those in successive posts in the coming weeks.
I happened upon the concept of an Alpha male, Game etc. through my interest in economics blogs of all things. I guess my initial contact with these ideas probably came from the blog Vox Day, which later led me to Athol's blog and Alpha Game. I was quick to recognize myself in the women that these blogs describe - and not in a good way. I also recognize that I want my husband to be "Alpha" and lead our family.
The problem is that I have spent 17 years punishing my husband for any Alpha action at all. I can say that I have not been doing this consciously, but I HAVE been doing it. As a result, it seems to me that he now fears me.
There is so much 'splaining to do behind each of the above statements but I am hopeful that I will get the chance to do that and work these things out in my own mind on this blog.
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